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or Pl7\Y3 



A Pair of Cracker- Jacks 



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OOPYRIGHT. 1M», BY WALTER H. BAKER* CO. 



A 




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(/i/* 



A Pair of Cracker- Jacks 

A Farce Comedy in Three Acts 



By 
SCOTT BYRNES \ 

Professionally produced at Bay Shore^ L. /., New Tork^ 
August 22^ 1904. 



NOTE 

The acting rights of this play are strictly reserved. Perform- 
ance may be given by amateurs on payment to the author of a 
royalty of ten dollars (^lo.oo) for the first performance or fifteen 
dollars (J? 1 5.00) for two performances. Correspondence on this 
subject should be addressed to the author in care of the pub- 
lishers. The professional stage rights are also strictly reserved, 
and performance by professional actors, given in advertised 
places of amusement and for profit, are forbidden. Persons who 
may wish to produce this play publicly and professionally should 
apply to the author, as above. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1910 



75L3r 
A Pair of Cracker- Jacks 

CHARACTERS 

( As originally produced at Davis* Opera House, Plymouth, 
Mass., November 25, IQOI, with the following cast i) 



Jack Cracker 
Jack Cracker, 2D, 
Junius Brutus Bang 
Coffee 

Mrs. Jack Cracker 
Estelle Clayton 
Flo. Atkins 
Katrina Von Hoot 



William N. Snoiv. 
Arthur M. Bradford. 
J. Russell Clarke. 
Alvin A. Hall. 
Bertha Clarke. 
Hester M. Cook. 

Mabel N. Simmons. 



Scene. — Cracker's apartments in New York City. 
Time.— The Present. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Afternoon. Exhortations. 

Act II. — The same afternoon. Complications. 

Act III. — The same evening. Congratulations. 




Copyright, 1909, bV -ALFRED S. BURNS 
As author and proprietor 



All rights reserved 

©CLD 17445 



TMP92-00878i 



A Pair of Cracker- Jacks 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Jack Cracker' s apartments. A parlor, hatidsomely 
furnished. Mrs. Jack Cracker discovered busily writing 
at desk. She rings bell. 

Enter Coffee. 

CoF. Did you ring, Madjam ? 

Mrs. C. Did I ring ! Are you deaf? 

CoF. No, Madjam, only a little hard er hearin', dat's all. 

Mrs. C. See that this does not occur again. 

CoF. Yes, Madjam. {About to go. ^ 

Mrs. C. And Coffee 

CoF. Yes, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. Has the new cook arrived ? 

CoF. No, Madjam, but I specs her right along ebery 
minute. 

Mrs. C. Send her to me as soon as she comes. 

CoF. Yes, Madjam. {About to go.) 

Mrs. C. And Coffee 

CoF. Yes, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. Have you attended to the ordering of the 
luncheon ? 

CoF. Yes, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. The salads at the Italian restaurant ? 

CoF. Yes, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. And the ices from Delmonico's ? 

CoF. Yes, Madjam, de ice-water from de wooly cows. 

Mrs. C. {rising, passes letters to Cof.). Telephone for a 
messenger. Have these delivered at once. 

Cof. Yes, Madjam. {Outside ring.) \^Exit Coy., c. d. 

Mrs. C. {crossing to ma7itel. Seated). A whole year of 
wedded life gone. Just a year ago to-morrow I married the 



4 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

best fellow alive, except Ah, but I have promised Jack 

not to speak of that again, and he has been too good a hus- 
band for me to break my word now. 

Enter Cof. and Flo. Atkins, the latter disguised as a Ger- 
man girl. 

Cof. Frou Katarina Sissiges. \^Exit Cof., c. d. 

Mrs. C. {risifig, goes to Flo., C. d.). Why, it must be the 
new cook. How do you do ? By the way, what did he call 
you? 

Flo. Katrina Von Hoot, Matam. I vas no sissiges. 

Mrs. C. Oh, very well, we will call you Katy for con- 
venience. Now, Katy, your letter of recommendation read 
very nicely and I trust you will suit me. 

Flo. Yah, I hope I vill suid you, Frau Crackers. 

Mrs. C. You will please address me as Madam. 

Flo. Yah, dat vas goot, I vill, Matam Crackers. 

Mrs. C. You seem very young. How old are you ? 

Flo. I don't tink I vas twendy. 

Mrs. C. You don't think. Don't you know ? 

Flo. Nine. 

Mrs. C. Nine, why you must be older than that. 

Flo. Ha, ha, ha ! you don't understood yourself. Ven I 
say nine you vould say " I don't tink." 

Mrs. C. Oh, I see. Now, why did you leave your last 
position ? 

Flo. Because der vomans I vorks fer, she vas oud mit her 
second stories. {Taps her forehead.^ She vas vhat you call 
a lunatics. She vas a very funny lunatics, too. She vas yust 
the obboside to vat odder lunatics vas. Ven it vas her turn to 
laugh she vould kry, and tings like dot. I do some tings to 
bleases her, and she gets mit a passion and flies off der handle- 
sticks, and the more I vas bleases her the more she flies ofl" der 
handlesticks, and finally I do my best der bleases her and she 
makes one grand fly-oft' and dips me oud. 

Mrs. C. Very well. {Rings.) We will see. {Enter 
Cof., c. d.) Coffee, show Katy to the kitchen; I will join 
you presently. {Exeunt Cof. and Flo., r. i e.) A most 
opportune arrival. Now, my little anniversary will surely be a 
success. {Enter Jack, c. d.) Jack ! 

Jack. Bess, darling ! {They etnbrace.) 

Mrs. C. Why, you're an hour early. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS c 

Jack. I know, Bess, but it was horribly dull at the office 
this afternoon ; besides, this is the anniversary of our marriage, 
you know, and I really felt entitled to an extra hour in your 
sweet company. 

Mrs. C. You flatterer ! A year's married life hasn't de- 
prived you of that accomplishment. 

(Jack /las removed coat and hat. Mrs. C. brifigs sniokiiig- 
jacket a?id holds it for hifn. Jack seated before fire 
Mrs. C. lights his cigar,) 

Jack. Now, I say, this is too bad. After declining a half 

dozen invitations to the theatre, as many more to dinner 

Why, by Jove, I even threw up an invitation to go up in a 
balloon. 

Mrs. C. You stupid! I thought you said you wanted to 
rise in your profession. 

Jack. Good girl, have a bonbon ? 

{Passes box of candy.) 

Mrs. C. {eating). Jack? 

Jack {smoking). Yes, sweetheart. 

Mrs. C. Just think, we've been married a whole year. 

Jack. And it seems like twenty. 

Mrs. C. Jack Cracker ! 

Jack. Days, my dear, twenty days. 

Mrs. C. Is that a compliment ? 

Jack. Why, of course; unless you are absolutely happy 
and contented, married life is sure to drag, and time with it 
But when, as I say, a year is brought down to the limits of a 
paltry three weeks, why, you can just imagine me as the 
happiest fellow alive. 

Mrs. C. I am sure you are right— and, oh. Jack, I almost 
lorgot, a telegram for you. {Crosses to writing-desk.) 

Jack {Jumping up). Great Scott ! When did it come ? 

Mrs. C. This morning, just after you left. 

Jack. Then, wiiy in the name of all that's stupid didn't 
you send it to the office ? 

Mrs. C. Why, is it so very important? 
Jack. Important! Why, woman, somebody's life may 
have paid the penalty for not receiving an answer in five min- 
utes, and here it is eight hours. {Opens telegram.) No, it's 
all right. {Seated.) It's from that country niece of mine, 



6 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS ^ 

Flo. Atkins. You remember we invited her down to spend a 
week. 

Mrs. C. And you have never seen her ? 

Jack. Not even her photograph. Now, what in thunder 
does this mean? {^Reads.) ** Uncle Jack, expect me td-day; 
also a surprise." 

Mrs. C. Now, Jack, as this is the anniversary of our wed- 
ding, I have a surprise for you. 

Jack. A surprise from you? Then what in the old boy 
are you telling me for ? 

Mrs. C. Oh, I had to tell you so you could be ready, you 
know. Now, guess what it is. 

Jack. A smoking-jacket ? 

Mrs. C. No, not a present. 

Jack. Seats at the opera ? 

Mrs. C. No, no, no ; something right here at home. 

Jack. Been cooking something? Oh, 1 know, another 
short-cake. 

Mrs. C. Now, Jack Cracker, you're just as hateful as you 
can be. Just because I made a failure of the short-cake, you 
fling it in my face every chance you can get. 

Jack. What, the short-cake ? Heaven forbid ! Oh, I 
know. 

Mrs. C. What? 

Jack. A few friends and a spread. 

Mrs. C. Yes. However did you guess ? At eight to-night. 
Won't it be jolly? 

Enter Cof,, c. d. Hands card to Jack. Exit, c. d. 

Jack {readi?ig card). Dear old Redmond 

Mrs. C. Redmond ! 

Jack. No, no, that's wrong. (^Reads.) *< Dear old Cracker. 
By merest luck have located you. Will call this afternoon. 
Bang." {Terrific noise outside.) Coffee ! {E?iter Cof., c. d.) 
What's that racket? 

Cof. Der new cook jus' fell down der cellar stairs, sah. 

• [^Exit, c. D. 

Mrs. C. Why, I had forgotten all about her. The new 
cook has arrived, Jack. An awfully sweet little German girl. 
I know you will like her. 

Jack. If she can cook, I shall adore her. But can she? 

Mrs. C. Well, of course, I don't know, but she seems very 
willing. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS f 

Jack, That settles it. Pay her off and let her go. 

Mrs. C. But we haven't tried her yet, you goose. 

Jack. No, but we've tried fourteen others just like her, and 
that's enough. What I want is a good square meal such as 
mother used to make. 

Mrs. C. (anns about his Jieck). Jack, dear, I'll dismiss 
Katy and do the cooking myself. Will that suit you ? 

Jack. My darling, that will be the last resort. Give the 
Dutch girl a trial and trust to heaven. (^Exit Mrs. C, r. i e.) 
Now, who the dickens is this Bang? (Reads.) *'My dear 
Redmond." (Speaks.) I came very near putting my foot in 
it that time, no mistake. Bang, — Bang. Can it be one of the 
old Adelphi Stock boys ? By Jove, if it is and he comes here 
there will be trouble sure. Bess will never forgive me for 
deceiving her. 

Enter Mrs. C, r. i e. 

Mrs. C. Oh, Jack, Katy is perfectly lovely. She is making 
the sweetest, cutest little cookies for our luncheon, and 

Enter Flo., r. i e., daubed with stove-blackings flour ^ etc. 
Tin basin of dough under left arm. Cook-book in right 
hand. Points to book. 

Flo. Vat you galls dat? 

Jack. Is this it? 

Mrs. C. Jack, this is our new cook. 

Jack. There's no need of an introduction ; she carries her 
trade-mark. 

Mrs. C. Katy, you should not come here ; if you want me 
you must ring. 

Flo. Yah, I reccommember. You eats dese kakes mit 
Limberger ? 

Mrs. C. Why, no, child ; why do you ask such a ques- 
tion? I told you they were to be eaten with ice-cream. 

Flo. Veil, if you eats them mit Limberger, like me, I puts 
a half a glass of lager beer mit mine dough, but if you eats 
them mit ice-creams, veil, I don't know, but I tinks I put in a 
half a glass of ice-water. 

{Outside ring.) 

Mrs. C. The postman ! \Exitf c. D. 

Jack (Jo Flo.). So you're the new cook? 



8 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Flo. Yah ; who you vas ? 

Jack. My name is Cracker. 

Flo. Oh, you vas belongs here? 

Jack. Yes, I live here. {Aside.) By Jove ! she's not so 
bad-looking. Katy, come here. Sit down. (Flo., seated.') 
What is your name ? 

Flo. Katrina Von Hoot. 

Jack. Von Hoot ? Why, I must know your father. Is he 
not a janitor ? 

Flo. Nine! Nine! Mine fadder he vas no shanitor. He 
vas a sweeber-oud. You vas okquainted mit him ? 

Jack. Yes, he takes care of my office. 

(Passes coin to Flo.) 

Flo. Vat ford is? 

Jack. That's a tip. 

Flo. a vat ? 

Jack. A tip. 

Flo. Vat, you dips me owd ? 

Jack. No, no; that's to encourage you to serve Mrs. 
Cracker well. (Looks about.) And perhaps I might want to 
steal a kiss some time. 

Flo. Oh, is dot so? 

Jack. I said 1 might. 

Flo. Veil, I don't tink, Mr. Crackers. I hired mineself 
owd as a cook, and I vant you to distinctly understood I vas 
no kissin'-boog, and you may shust take back your dips and dot 
vid it. 

{Slaps ]kcv.^s face ; throivs down money and exits ^ r. i e. 
Mrs. C. has entered c. d., a7id overheard last speeches. 
She seats herself, weeping.) 

Jack. What's the matter, dear, bad news? 

Mrs. C. Don't speak to me, you monster. 

Jack. Well, I like that. Now, Bess, you're going it a 
little strong, aren't you, calling your husband a monster for 
joking a little with the cook ? 

Mrs. C. {rising ; furious). Joking, joking ! Do you call 
insulting your wife a joke, you deceiver ? 

Jack. Now, darling, don't get nervous. What if I should 
kiss the cook — which I didn't — all the fellows do that,, you 
know. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 9 

Mrs. C. Oh, they do, do they ? Well, let me tell you, 
Mr. Jack Cracker, that you will never do it but once to my 
knowledge. I have still a mother. {Seated ; weeping.') 

Jack \drinking). Oh, I know, mother-in-law is all right; 
don't drag her in. I'm not finding any fault with her. Now, 
Bess, calm yourself and let's talk sense. You can't expect 
your husband, simply because he is your husband, to deny 
himself the privilege of kissing a pretty girl now and then in a 
friendly way, you know, and particularly his own cook ; and 
that's just the point, she is the cook. I am surprised ! Jeal- 
ous of your own cook. {Exit Mrs. C, c. d., weeping vio- 
lently.) Oh, well, I suppose it had to come sooner or 
later. {Seated at desk, r.) 

Enter COF., C. D. 

CoF. Junius Brutus Bang. 

E?tter Bang, c. d. Exit Cof. , c. d. 

Bang. Jack, me old friend Jack, at last we meet again. 
Like Damon and Pythias we are reunited. As our idol the 
immortal Shakespeare so beautifully expressed himself, " Two 
souls with but a single thought; two hearts that beat as one." 

Jack. Oh, come, cut it out. Who are you, and what do 
you want ? 

Bang. See, he knows me not. Like poor old Rip, I return 
to the friend of me childhood, to the companion of me youth- 
ful struggles, and he tells me to cut it out. Ah, those days, — 
immortalized now. An iridescent dream, ne'er to be blotted 
from life's memory. Don't you remember, Jack, those happy, 
happy nights, when shoulder to shoulder we charged with those 
mad, howling Roman mobs? Don't you remember, Jack, the 
dim lights, the eager, breathless throng in front, and our own 
glorious leader crying in stentorian voice, <'Lay on, Macduff, 
and damned be he who first cries hold, enough." 

Jack {rings. Enter Coy., c. d.). Coffee, show this fellow 
out. 

Bang. Stop ! '* Touch but a hair of yon gray head, and 
you die like a dog, march on," he said. 

\^Exit Cof., c. d., a la military^ 

" All day long through Frederick Street, 
Sounded the tread of marching feet ; 
All day long that free flag tossed 
Over the heads of the Rebel host." 



10 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Ah, Jack, heartless boy, would you drive me out like tliis? 
Like our old friend Rip, into the darkness and storm. And is 
this the reward I get for running you past the stage door at the 
dear old Adelphi so many, many nights ? 

Jack (rising). Who are you ? 

Bang. Junius Brutus Bang, doing heavy leads in the Fly- 
by-Night All Stars. I was Jimmie Galvin, keeper of the stage 
door at the old Adelphi. 

Jack. What, not Jimmie? 

Bang. Yes, me boy, I'm Jimmie. 

Jack. My, but you have changed. 

Bang. For the better ? {Crosses,) 

Jack. Well, certainly not for the worse. Why, you are 
every inch an actor. 

Bang. Thanks, Jack, thanks. That was me ambition, you 
know. Don't you remember when we used to stand in the 
wings and watch that glorious leader, now dead and gone ? 

(Seated.) 

Jack (seated). Yes, don't I? I used to come in just to 
help out in the mob scenes. What fun ! 

Bang. Yes, and to escort the pretty girls home, eh, old 
fellow ? 

Jack. Why, of course I couldn't be so brutal as to allow 
them to go home alone, especially stormy nights. 

Bang. Not to be thought of, me boy ; and all the time you 
were supposed to be at 

Jack. The Night College. Ha ! Ha ! I used to tell 
some whoppers at home. Yes, but that's all over now. I'm 
married and settled down. 

Bang. What ! Not married ? 

Jack. Why, of course. What did you think ? 

Bang. That these were your bachelor apartments, to be 
sure. How long ? 

Jack. A year. 

Bang. I wish you joy. But you must come and see us. 

Jack. Where are you ? 

Bang. At the Standard, just for three weeks. The girls 
would have me hunt you up. But, I say, Redmond. 

Jack. Hush ! For heaven's sake, don't mention that name 
here on your life. So the ladies asked you to hunt me up, eh? 

Bang. You sly dog, you know they would. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS H 

Jack. By Jove, they're awfully kind, but I'm afraid it's no 
go this time. 

Bang. Well, I am struck dumb. You're getting awfully 
good. Why, it's only a little spread on the stage after the per- 
formance. 

Jack. Yes, I know, Jimmie, but the fact is I've got through 
with that sort of thing entirely. You see, my wife has a per- 
fect horror of the theatre and anything connected with it, so, 
of course, I want to please her. 

Bang. Shades of Shakespeare ! Is this the handsome young 
collegian who could discount the favorite comedian in his most 
popular song ? Who used 

Jack. Hush, Jimmie, she may hear you. 

Bang. Who? 

Jack. My wife. 

Bang. What ! Is she in ? My dear boy, I shall be de- 
lighted. 

Jack. All right, Jimmie, I'll introduce you ; but mind you, 
not a word of theatricals. \_Exit Jack, c. d. 

Efiter Flo., r. i e., with pan of cakes. 

Bang. Shades of Shakespeare ! What is it ? 

Flo. Ha! Wee Getz, mine frient. How you vas, eh? 
Vat's de matter mit yourselves; don't you hear somedings ? 
Have a snap ? Oh, I forgot, dey vas raw. Vere's de Matam 
Crackers? She toles me to rings, and I tinks I call her up mit 
der delaphones, but no Matams. And so, I comes mynself. 
Say, vat makes you stood like dot ? You makes me tink of a 
freaks at der Dimes Museum. Say, vat makes you talk so 

much? You vas as sociable as a (Bang drinks.) 

Here's to your goot health, and your families, and may dey 
live long and brosber. {Discovers box of candy on table?) 
Open your eyes, and shut your mouth, and I'll gibe you some- 
dings to remember me by. 

{Business. Flo. crams dough in Bang's iftouth and exits ^ 

R. I E.) 

Enter Jack and Mrs. C, c. d. 

Jack. Bess, this is the Rev. Mr. Bang, an old school chum 
of mine. Mr. Bang, my wife. 

Mrs. C. Mr. Bang, I am pleased to meet you and bid you 
welcome to our home. 



12 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Bang. Mrs. Redmond i^JSitsiuess. Jack /////$• Bang 

across stage and tells hifn by signs not to use that name. Gives 
him his card.) Mrs. Red — Cracker, I thank you, such hospi- 
tality warms the heart ; beheve me, it is inspiring, Mrs. Red- 
mond. (^Business repeated.) Jack, you're a lucky dog. She 
is positively charming. 

Mrs. C. So you are studying for the ministry, Mr. Bang? 

Bang. I — 1 — I beg pardon. 

Jack. Oh, yes, Bang. I knew my wife would be so in- 
quisitive as to inquire of your profession, so I informed her in 
advance. 

Bang. Ah, yes — I see — very kind of you, I'm sure. Yes, 
Mrs. Red — Cracker, I hope some day to be <' The Little Min- 
ister." (^Seated.) 

Mrs. C. {seated). How nice ! And do you expect to be- 
come as popular as the hero of Barrie's charming story? 

Bang. Perhaps; who knows? Ah, Mrs. Redmond, do 
you know, that character is the height of me ambition ? 

Mrs. C. 1 do not quite understand. Do you mean that he 
is your ideal of what a minister should be ? 

Bang. Yes, that is me meaning. Have you seen the dra- 
matic production of the book ? 

{Business. Jack drags Bang across stage, as before, and in 
dumb show endeavors to dissuade himfrofn talking dra- 
matics.) 

Mrs. C. Oh, no, I never attend the theatre. 

Bang. Indeed, I rarely go myself, but I could not resist the 
temptation to witness so moral and instructive a sermon as this 
play has proven itself to be. 

Mrs. C. Do you know, Mr. Bang, I have never visited the 
tlieatre? 

Bang. Is it possible ? 

Mrs. C. Yes, it is quite true. My father was a clergy- 
man, you know, and always looked upon the theatre as a 
wicked, sinful place, something to be avoided. When do you 
get your call ? 

Bang. Well, I'm not in the first act, so I don't generally 
get it before nine o'clock. {Business. ]ack pulls Bang across 
stage and explains in pa?itomi?ne.) Oh, yes, me call to the 
Rostrum. Some time in the remote, dim future. I am modest, 
Mrs. Red — Cracker, therefore, I do not anticipate. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 1 3 

Mrs. C. Father used to say that modesty was a rare virtue. 
Where are you ? 

Bang. At the Standard, just for three weeks. {Business 
as before.) Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought you referred 

to me hotel, I mean me theatre. I am studying at the 

{Business. Bang goes to Jack. Jack whispers to him.) At 
the Theological College of Arts and Sciences, Mrs. Red — 
Cracker. 

Enter Flo., with pan of cakes. 

Flo. Matam Crackers, vould you like for der ice-cream 
cakes to be rare or veil done ? 

Mrs. C. Mr. Bang, you will excuse me ? 

Bang {bows. Exeunt Mrs. C. and Flo., r. i e). How 
was it? 

Jack. Great ! You're a born actor. 

Bang. Thanks ! It was very awkward, though. That was 
a great idea of yours. I hardly expected to be called upon to 
play the little minister at so short a notice. Got any cigars? 

Jack. Of course. {Passes decanter.) Have a drink? 
. Bang. I don't know. Do ministers drink? 

Jack {seated). By the way. Bang, have you seen Miss Clay- 
ton since she made her debut ? 

Bang. Oh, yes. She is now soaring among the stars. 
After you disappeared. (Business.) She is with us. 

Jack. No ! 

Bang. Yes, she is doing leads and is head over heels in 
love with a rich iron monger's son, who travels about with us. 

Jack. Ah ! Who is he ? 

Bang. His name is {Business. Takes Jack's card 

from his pocket.) Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Jack. What's the joke? 

Bang. Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Well, I'll be 

Jack. Hush. 

Enter Mrs. C, c. d. 

Mrs. C. a letter, Jack. 

Jack. Ah ! 

Mrs. C. In a lady's handwriting. 

Jack. Read it. You see, Bang, my wife and I have a 
contract whereby we read each other's letters whenever they 
chance to be in the handwriting of the opposite sex. Saves 
trouble. 

Bang. And sometimes makes it. I once knew of a similar 



14 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

case and it worked like a charm till the wife happened to tead 
a letter from her husband's old sweetheart, and then, — well, 
they didn't open each other's letters after that. 

Jack. By the way. Bang, we are to have a little anniversary 
to-night. Can't you manage to come? 

Bang. I should be only too delighted, my boy; but you 
know I am due at the — the (business) — at the Theological 
Lecture at seven (Bang stares at Mrs. C, who is much 
agitated over her letter), and I guess I had better be going. 

[Exit Mrs. C, after dropping letter, c. d. 

Jack. Don't hurry, old man. Bess will sing something for 
you. (Discovers Mrs. C.'s absence.) Why, this is strange. 
When did she go ? 

Bang. A moment ago. She seemed upset by your letter. 
Well, good-bye, old fellow. You're sure you can't join us to- 
night ? 

Jack. Impossible. Now, don't be offended. I'd like to 
come; you know that, but I've sowed my wild oats and 

Bang. settled down like a good, dutiful husband. Ah, 

Cupid, Cupid, thy wonders never cease. 

Jack. Good-bye. Coffee. (^Enter Cof., c. d. Exeunt 
Bang and Cof., c. d.) Now what the dickens sent Bess off in 
such a hurry? That new cook, I suppose. She'll keep her 
bobbing in and out like a shuttle. What's that Bang said 
about her being upset? Ah, she's left it behind, {Picks up 
letter and reads.) *'Mr. Jack Cracker, Sir: — This is to in- 
form you that at last your true character has become known to 
me, and if there is law to uphold a defenseless woman's rights, 
then you shall pay dearly for your dastardly insults. You 
coward, your double life of falsehood and deceit stands at last 
revealed. I will call upon you at four for the purpose of re- 
turning your stock in trade and to show you that at least one 
woman is capable of resenting the insults of cowardly curs like 
yourself. Estelle Clayton." {Speaks.) Estelle Clayton ! 
Great heavens, what does this mean ? (Peads.) "Your true 
character stands at last revealed." (Speaks.) She must refer 
to our former attachment. AVhy, it is three years since I have 
seen the woman. Can it be that she is coming to ruin my 
happiness? No, it cannot be. I never cared for her, — after I 
saw Bess. (Reads.) "Return to you your stock in trade." 
(Speaks.) She must refer to the diamond I gave her. What 
shall I do ? If she sees Bess I am lost. Bess will never for- 
give me. An actress, too. (Rings.) Coffee ! 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 15 

Enter Cof., c. d. 

COF. Did you ring ? 

Jack. Did 1 ring ! Are you deaf? . . , , „ 

CoF. No, Massa, only a little hard o' hearin , dat s all. 

Jack. Now, Coffee, I want you to pay strict attention to 
what I am about to say, as it is very important. 

Cof. Yes, Massa Jack, I'll be very strict attention. 

Jack. Listen. A lady will call here this afternoon. 

{Seated at desk?) 

Cof. I see. A lady gwine to call, and you don't want 
your wife to know nothin* tall about it. Is dat it ? 

Jack. Silence, you rascal. Who told you that? 

Cof. A little bird. „ ^ , 

Jack (handing card). If a lady of that name calls, don t 
allow her to enter. If she inquires for Mrs. Cracker or me, 
tell her we are out of town. Anything,— only get rid of her. 
Do you understand ? , , x 

Cof. Oh, yes, I understand. {Holds out hand.) 

Jack. Well? 

Cof. Hush money. 

Jack. Not a cent. You get your wages. Now go. Ana 
Coffee, don't forget my instructions. {Exit Cof. ; Jack 
drinks.) Fool ! Fool ! Why, a man who allows his wife to 
open his correspondence is little short of an idiot. What must 
she think ? That I am guilty, of course. Shall I disclaim all 
knowledge of the woman? No, no, that would never do. 
Better make a clean confession and trust to luck. I am 
innocent of any actual wrong to Bess ; but the actress part 
of it she would never forgive, never. 

Enter Flo , r. i e. 

Flo. Vere vas de Matam ? 

Jack. Didn't Mrs. Cracker tell you not to come here 
again ? 

Flo. Yah, dot's vat she tole me. 

Jack. Then get out. {Throivs cushion.) 

Flo. I vant to know if you tinks der ice-gream gakes 

Jack. Damn the ice-cream cakes. Get out ! {Throws 
cushion ; exit Flo., c. d.) Of all the stupid blockheads. 

E7iter Jack Cracker, 2D. 



1 6 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Jack 2D. I beg pardon. 

Jack. Get out. {Throws cushion.) Ah, by Jove, I beg 
a thousand pardons ; I thought 

Jack 2D. Ah, don't mention it, my dear fellow — no harm 
done. I met the object of your wrath as I was coming in. 
Your daughter ? 

Jack. My daughter! If she was I'd have her cremated. 

Jack 2D. Oh, I beg pardon, my sight is slow. Deuced 
pretty girl just the same. Pardon me, but your name is 
Cracker, is it not ? 

Jack. It is. 

Jack 2D. Jack Cracker ? 

Jack. The same. 

Jack 2D. By Jove, that's deuced singular, so is mine. 
{Hands card; Jack does same; they laugh and shake 
hands.') A common occurrence, I am told, but still rather 
awkward in some cases, I fancy. 

Jack. Yes, particularly when the parties are neighbors. 

Jack 2D. That's just the point. We are neighbors. My 
apartments are on the flat above, and I imagine the dickens will 
be to pay. I have already opened three of your letters — they 
are Greek to me. {Passes three letters.) I just learned that 
a party of my own name was located here, and took the liberty 
to call. 

Jack. Yes, these are mine. Fortunately business letters. 
Nothing of a private nature. 

Jack 2D. Indeed ! I only skimmed them over ; but it is 
very annoying to have your private correspondence made 
public by such an awkward predicament as our own. 

Jack. Yes, I imagine it might be. 

Jack 2D. By the way, you haven't received any strange 
letters, have you ? 

Jack. No, oh, no — that is — not that I am aware of. There 
is my afternoon mail ; you may look it over if you like. 

{Looks at letter.) 

Jack 2D {laughing). By Jove ! here is one — my tailor. I 
would know this writing among a thousand. 

Jack {aside). Great heavens ! an idea ! Can it be pos- 
sible this letter belongs to him instead of to me ? 

Jack 2D. Ah, another. Devilish ridiculous position, open- 
ing each other's letters to find the proper owner. This letter is 
from a lady. Do you know the handwriting ? 



a pair of cracker-jacks 1 7 

Jack. No. 

Jack 2D. The lady's name — know her ? 

Jack. No. 

Jack 2D. I thought not. You are satisfied the letter does 
not belong to you ? 

Jack. Perfectly. 

Jack 2D. Thanks ; then I'll claim it. By Jove, what have 
you there? {Takes letter.^ This letter is mine. 

Jack. Are you sure ? 

Jack 2D. Am I sure ? Would you know your own wife's 
writing ? 

Jack. She is not your wife? 

Jack 2D, Not yet, dear boy, but I am in hopes she will be 
soon. By Jove, it's been opened. 

Jack. Why, of course, I thought it was mine. 

Jack 2D. And you read it ? 

Jack. Yes — no — that is — I just skimmed it over. 

{Laughs.') 

Jack 2D. Well, of all the impudence. How dare you ? 

Jack. What? 

Jack 2D. Open my private correspondence. 

Jack. Why, I thought it was mine. 

Jack 2D. You should have known by the handwriting that 
it was not yours. You had no right to open it, sir. 

Jack. I didn't open it. 

Jack 2D. Did not open it ? 

Jack. No. 

Jack 2D. Who did then ? 

Jack. My wife. 

Jack 2D. What ? 

Jack. Yes, and the funny part of it was she thought it was 
mine too. 

Jack 2D. And read it ? 

Jack. Every word of it, my boy. 

Jack 2D. I call this an insult. 

Jack. Call it what you please — I call it a huge joke. But 
say, are you sure this is your letter? 

Jack 2D. Am I sure ? What do you mean ? 

Jack. Why, you haven't read it yet. 

Jack 2D. It isn't necessary, sir. 

Jack. No, I suppose not. Say, this is great. Why, I'm 



l8 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

nearly tickled to death. Do you know, Cracker, my wife 
really be 

Jack 2D. Mr. Cracker, let me tell you that you are mak- 
ing light of a very serious subject. 

Jack. And let me inform you that you are making a fool 
of yourself. Why don't I flare up and get mad because you 
read my letters? 

Jack 2D. Because they are of an entirely different nature, 
sir. 

Jack. How do you know? You haven't read yours yet. 
(Aside. ) And when he does 

(Jack 2D reads letter ; busitiess.) 

Jack 2D. Zounds, sir ! What does this mean? 

Jack. Mean ? 

Jack 2D. This is some of your work. This is a trick. 

Jack. A trick ? 

Jack 2D. I know nothing of this. 

Jack. Great heavens, man, don't say that ! (Aside.) Oh, 
Lord, it's mine after all. (To Jack 2D.) Mr. Cracker, I 
assure you this is no trick. I am innocent of any knowledge 
of this. There must be a mistake. 

Jack 2D {walking rapidly about'). Mistake. 

Jack. Why, of course, there must be. You know noth- 
ing of it. I know nothing. (Aside.) Oh, I wish I didn't. 
(To Jack 2D.) Calm yourself, Mr. Cracker; let's try and 
straighten this thing out. Is she really your wife ? 

Jack 2D. No ! 

Jack. Your fiancee ? 

Jack 2D. No — yes — none of your business. 

Jack. Good. Now, of course you are innocent of the 
charges she brings against you ? 

Jack 2D. Innocent ! Innocent ! Do you mean to insult 
me? 

Jack. No, I don't want to insult anybody. I only want to 

get at (Enter Flo. Jack throws book at her. Exit 

Flo., r. I E.) Get out — this horrible mystery. Now it may 
be possible that she has mixed you up with me. 

Jack 2D. Mixed up ? 

Jack. Yes — that is — I mean she may have read something 
in the newspapers, or, a friend may have told her something 
for a joke. 

Jack 2D. Joke ! 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 1 9 

Jack. Why, of course. The temptation would be great — 
so easy, you know — our both living in the same house. 

Jack 2D. By Jove, I hadn't thought of that. Come to 
think of it, I did notice something was wrong last evening. 

Jack. Of course you did. {Aside.) 1 begin to breathe 
again. 

Jack 2D {reading letter). " Your double life of deceit and 
falsehood stands at last revealed." {Speaks.) By Jove ! she 
thinks I am you. 

Jack. And are living here with your wife. 

Jack 2D. At the same time making love to her. {Laughs.) 
That explains it. 

Jack. Of course it does. {Aside.) If it only did. 

Jack 2D. Ha — ha — ha ! Why, this is the richest thing I 
ever heard. {Looks at letter.) And she is coming here this 
afternoon. 

Jack. So she is. (Aside.) Oh, I had forgotten all about 
that. 

Jack 2D. Ha — ha ! To return my stock in trade. 

Jack. Yes, my stock in trade. 

Jack 2D. No, not yours, mine. 

Jack. Yes, yes, I mean yours. {Aside.) I'd give a thou- 
sand dollars if they were his. 

Jack 2D. Now, Cracker, I mean to carry this li tie pleas- 
antry just as far as I can ; in fact, I'm going the limit. It isn't 
often that a fellow gets a chance like this. 

Jack. No — quite right— carry the joke to the limit {aside), 
and the limit will be four o'clock. (Looks at watch.) Five 
minutes of four now. Wretched man, your time has come. 

Jack 2D. Now, Cracker, I will receive Miss Clayton when 
she arrives, and, with your permission, in your apartments. 

Jack. What ! Mine ? 

Jack 2D. Why, of course ; this lady is my promised wife. 
She will come here unattended. You can readily see the im- 
propriety of my receiving her in my own rooms. Besides, to 
carry out the joke, I must see her here ; I am you, you know. 

Jack {aside). Oh, Lord, I wish he was, or some one else. 
(To Jack 2D.) Why, of course, that's so; I didn't think of 
that. {Laughs faintly.) 

Jack 2D. Ha — ha, devilish funny joke, isn't it? 

Jack. Awfully funny. Why, I really think it is the fun- 
niest thing I ever heard. I suppose by this time my wife has 
taken action for a divorce. {Rings.) 



20 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Jack 2D. I wouldn't be at all surprised. (^Clock strikes 
four.) By Jove; time she was here. 1 niust get into another 
rig. Come upstairs and I'll show you my quarters. 

\_Exit, CD. 
Enter Cof., c. d. 

Jack {to Cof.). Coffee, if that woman gets into this house 
I am a lost man. [^Exitj c. d. 

Efiter Mrs. C, l. 2 e., in street costume. 

Mrs. C. Coffee. 

Cof. Yes, Mad jam. 

Mrs. C. (Jianding envelopes). Have the messenger deliver 
these at once. 

Cof. Yes, Madjam. {Starts to go.) 

Mrs. C. And, Coffee 

Cof. Yes, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. You will countermand the orders for the salads 
and ices. 

Cof. What, you ain't goin' to gibe up the party? 

Mrs. C. Do as I bid you. 

Cof. Yes, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. 1 am going away. If Mr. Cracker should inquire 
for me, tell him that I have gone to my mother's. 

Cof. Yes, Madjam. {About to go.) 

Mrs. C. And, Coffee 

Cof. Yes, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. I shall not see you again. Accept this as a token 
of my appreciation of your services. [Hands bill.) 

Cof. Tanks, Madjam. (Aside.) I can see where Cracker's 
a lost man, 'deed I can. 

{Puts money in large pocketbook ; card drops to floor. 
Mrs. C. picks up card.) 

Mrs. C. Where did you get this ? 
Cof. 'Deed, Madjam, dat's private. 
Mrs. C. Answer me. 
Cof. I'd like to but I daresn't. 
Mrs. C. Mr. Cracker gave you this ? 
Cof. I'm afraid he did. 
Mrs. C. For what purpose ? 
Cof. Excuse me, Madjam. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 21 

Mrs. C. He told you this lady was to call here this after- 
noon ? Did he not ? 

CoF. For de Lor — how'd you know dat ? 

Mrs. C. And that you are to refuse her admittance. Am 
I not correct ? 

CoF. You're a powerful good guesser, Madjam. (^Ring.) 

Mrs. C. Attend the door. {Exit Cof., c. d. Mrs. C. 
seated J writing. Enter Cof., with card ; business.) Show 
the lady in ! 

{Exit Cof. ; reenters with Estelle Clayton, c. d.) 

Es. I beg your pardon : I believe these are the apartments 
of Mr. Jack Cracker. 

Mrs. C. They are. You have called to see my husband. 

Es. How do you know that ? 

Mrs. C. I read your letter. 

Es. What ! 

Mrs. C. Accidentally, or, I should say, at his request. Do 
not imagine for a moment that I am in the habit of prying into 
my husband's correspondence. He evidently was not expect- 
ing anything of the kind. 

Es. My business is with Mr. Cracker. 

Mrs. C. And my business is at present with you. I am 
very glad you called. Pray be seated. {Business.) Before I 
carry out my present plans. Miss Clayton, I demand an ex- 
planation of your insinuation. 

Es. The letter explains everything. 

Mrs. C. From its contents I would infer that my husband 
has been paying you his attentions. 

Es. Your husband is a consummate scoundrel. 

Mrs. C. Miss Clayton, I am about to take action for a sep- 
aration. I command you to speak. 

Es. {business). What do you wish to know? 

Mrs. C. How long has this been going on ? 

Es. Three years. {Business.) 

Mrs. C. He gave you to understand he was unmarried ? 

Es. The villain — yes. 

Mrs. C. He was regular and constant in his attentions ? 

Es. Both. 

Mrs. C. Your term "stock in trade" refers to gifts re- 
ceived by you from him, does it not ? 

Es. It does. 



i2 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Mrs. C. Would you object to informing me as to what ex- 
tent your relations with each other have proceeded ? 

Es. (JioldiJig out hand). My engagement ring. 

Mrs. C. Thank you very much. That is all. I will send 
Mr. Cracker to you. 

Enter Cof. 

CoF. Mr. Jack Cracker. 

(Mrs. C. exits l. 2 e., not looking at] ack 2D, who enters c. d.) 

Jack 2D. By Jove, she evidently takes me for the other fel- 
low. Ah, Estelle, this is indeed an unexpected pleasure. 

Es. Don't approach me, sir. Don't speak to me, else I be 
tempted to do something desperate. 

Jack 2D. Well, I like this. Ah, I see, just a line or two 
from your new part. Now, please don't ! 

Es. You are a villain. 

Jack 2D. And you are an angel. 

Es. Will you be serious ? 

Jack 2D. I never was more so in my life. 

Es. I have found you out. 

Jack 2D. That's funny; I thought you found me in. 

Es. Your jests, sir, are in decidedly bad taste. 

Jack 2D. Thanks. 

Es. You have been playing a bold game. Jack Cracker. 

Jack 2D. I know it, but it's all right so long as I'm ahead 
of it. 

Es. That lady was your wife. 

Jack 2D. Well, what of it ? 

Es. What of it? Fiend in human form! Then what 
am I ? 

Jack 2d. I just told you, — an angel. 

Es. You think to frighten me with your senseless jesting, 
but 1 am not to be frightened. 

Jack 2D. Bravo ! I always said you were a brave little 
woman. 

Es. {throwijig jewels at his feet and crossing). Take back 
your tawdry trinkets, false, like your own black heart. 

Jack 2D (aside). Isn't this rich? {To Es.) Thanks. 
They may come in useful in the future. 

Es. Do not flatter yourself, sir ; you have deceived one 
woman, but the last, Jack Cracker, the last. 

Jack 2d. Indeed, and how do you propose to stop it? 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 23 

Es. By the power of the press. I will publish you and your 
cowardly practices throughout the length and breadth of the 
land. 

Jack 2D. Spoken like a patriot and a soldier. What good 
will that do ? I can change my name. (Aside.) I've reached 
the limit. {To Es.) By Jove, I'll have to change it anyway. 
Do you know, ray dear, it's my confounded name that has 
brought about all this trouble ? 

Es. You are a fool. 

Jack 2d. I have been, but now, I am really serious. I was 
only joking. 

Es. A ghastly joke. 

Jack 2D. No, I don't mean that. I mean since you came 
in. There is another fellow in this house bearing my name, 
and you've got him mixed up with me. 

Es. You are a beautiful falsifier. 

Jack 2D. No, but I am in earnest, Estelle. That's the 
truth. Why, these are his apartments. He's married, and the 
lady you just saw is his wife. 

Es. His apartments ? 

Jack 2D. Yes. 

Es. And where are yours ? 

Jack 2D. On the flat above. 

Es. Then how came you here ? 

Jack 2D. It's a long story. First, let me ask you one ques- 
tion. What prompted you to write that letter ? (Es. hands 
newspaper clipping. Jack 2D reads.') *'Mr. and Mrs. Jack 
Cracker will observe the first anniversary of their marriage at 
their apartments, 224 Sixty-second Street, on Thursday, April 
ist." {Speaks.) Ha, ha ! Well, this is an April Fool. You 
knew my rooms were here, and imagined the rest 

Es. And now, sir, let me ask you a question. 

Jack 2d. A thousand. 

Es. Who was that woman ? 

Jack 2D. Why, I just told you, the other fellow's wife. 

Es. And what were you doing here in her apartments? 

Jack 2D. Why, I obtained permission from her husband to 
receive you here. How could I do otherwise ? 

Es. She informed me that she was about to take action for 
a separation. 

Jack 2D. I know, because she read your letter and thought 
it was intended for her husband. 

Es. Jack Cracker, are you telling me the truth ? 



24 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Jack 2D. You can easily prove it by calling Mrs. Csacker. 
Enter Mrs. C, l. 2 e. 

Mrs. C. I beg your pardon. I heard my name mentioned. 

Es. Yes, Mrs. Cracker, my — this is my — my lawyer, and 
we are anxious to see your husband as soon as possible. 

Mrs. C. I will inform the servant and ascertain if he is in 
the house. 

Jack 2D. Now, are you satisfied ? 

Es. Perfectly. {^Embraces him.') 

Enter Jack, c. d. 

Jack. Have you seen my wife? 

Jack 2D. And here's the original Cracker, the cause of 
it all. Mr. Cracker, allow me the pleasure of introducing an 
old friend of mine, Miss Estelle Clayton. Estelle, this is 

Es. Jack Redmond ! 

(Jack collapses. Enter Flo., ivith pan of burning cakes ^ 
R. I E. ; Mrs. C. at l. 2 e. ; Cof. at c. D.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT 11 

SCEl<lE.—T/i£same. Ylo. discovered at piano. Co^. at desk. 
Both making themselves very much at home. 

COF. Kat-a-ri-na ! 

Flo. Veil? 

CoF. Has de new cook arrived ? 

Flo. Vat, vas dere a new cooks ? 

CoF. Send her to me as soon as she comes. 

Flo. Yaw. 

CoF. And Kat-ri-na. 

Flo. Veil? 

CoF. Hab you attended to the ordering ob de luncheon? 

Flo. Vat, you means der ice-cream cakes ? 

CoF. And de ice-water from de wooly cows. 

Flo. Yaw — yaw— I tends to everyting. {Ring.) 

CoF. And Kat-a-ri-na. 

Flo. Veil ? 

CoF. Attend de summons. (Flo. goes to door.) And 
Kat-a-ri-na, if it's de ice man tell him we don't care fo' no mo' 
ice. Dere's a cold wave struck this yere domicile dat'll make 
all de frost we want. De missus gone home to her mudder 
and Mars Jack a-scouring round for her. 

Enter Flo., with packages and cabbage. 

Flo. Der dinners— corned beef and cabbage, ant sour 
kraut. 

CoF. What's dat? Sour kraut. Who tole you to order 
saur kraut, chile ? 

Flo. Und vy not? You tinks I hire oud mynselfs without 
mine sour kraut? Veil, you shust don't know us Sherman 
gals. 

CoF. Put it in de refrigerator. 

Flo. And vere's dat ? (Cof. points to piano. ) Vat, dot ? 
(CoF. 7iods.) Vy, I dot dat vas a music box. {Lifts up 
cover.) Oh, ho, I see mineself somedings. It vas a music 

25 



26 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

box in der front door and a ice house under der roof. Veil, 
veil, you Yankees do beat der Dutch. 

{Puts package in piano.') 

Jack {outside). Coffee ! {Busijiess. Exit Flo., r. i e. 
Enter Jack, c. d.) Not there — hadn't been there — knew 
nothing about her. All that wild goose chase for nothing. 
{To CoF.) And you are the cause of it all. How dared you 
allow that woman to come in here ? 

CoF. 'Deed, Mars Jack, Ididn't allow her to enter. She — 
she demanded admittance. 

Jack. Demanded fiddlesticks. 

CoF. No, she didn't demand no fiddlesticks. She said she 
was in de Secret Service and I was alarmed. 

Jack. Secret Service be She was an impostor. 

CoF. No, she didn't say she was a bill poster, she said she 
was a Russian Spy and I was scared. 

Jack. You are a fool. 

CoF. Yes, I know it. You've told me dat befo*. 

Jack. Did she see my wife ? 

CoF. Oh, yes, indeed. She saw de missus. Dey had a 
nice social chat. 

Jack [aside). Social chat ! 

CoF. Yas, but I don't think she'd a seen her at all if de 
missus hadn't been such a powerful good guesser. 

Jack. What do you mean? 

CoF. Why, she accidentally got hold of dat card wid de 
lady's name on it. 

Jack. What ! 

CoF. Yaas ! And do you know, Mars Jack, she guessed 
eberyting you tole me. {Laughs.) 

Jack. And you acknowledged it? 

CoF. Why, I had to. Don't you see I knew 'twas all a 
conundrum to her and she guessed it right, so what was I 
to do? 

Jack. Do, get out of ray sight. (Ring outside.) Stay ! 
By Jove, that's my wife's ring ; I'd know it in a hundred. 

CoF. A lady at de doe, sir. 

Jack. My wife ? 

CoF. Can't see, sir, her face is in mourning. 

Jack. Show her in. {Exit Cof., c. d.) I'll straighten 
this beastly affair out in less than two minutes. {Enter Cof. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 27 

and Es., the latter' veiled. She raises veil. Exit Cof.) 

Great Scolt, you ! , , • ir t 

Es Now be calm, my dear Jack; don t excite yourselt ; i 
simply couldn't stay away. Is your wife at honje ? 

Jack. No, nor never will be again, and all through you. 
Es. Through me ? 
Jack. That devilish letter. 
Es. But the letter was not intended for you. 
Jack. Not intended for me ? 

Es. Why, no, it was for my own Jack. I thought the 
rascal had been deceiving me. 

]^Q.v. {aside). Fool! Idiot! {Business.) 
Es. But to think of meeting Jack Redmond here ! 
Jack For heaven's sake, don't mention that name agam._ 
Es All right, I won't. Jack; but— but your reception is 
not very cordial for an old friend like me. Can't you set out 
a bottle and a rarebit— j^st for old times' sake ? 

Jack. Much as I would like to. Miss Clayton, I dare not. 
Hereafter I mean to tread the straight and narrow path. 
Es. Bravo ! Brave boy ! 

Jack {laughing). So that letter really belonged to the other 
Cracker, eh? 

Es. Yes. ^ ^. , , ,., 

Jack. Well, I'm glad you've found him out. I didn t like 
the cut of that fellow. 

Es. Don't you dare say one word against him. 

Jack. Why, didn't you call him a villain? 

Es. Yes. 

Jack. And isn't he? 

Es. No. 

Jack. Well, I'm 

Es. {passing newspaper clipping'). Read that. 
Jack {after reading). Ha, ha ! And you wrote that letter 
on the strength of this? 
Es. I did. 

Jack. And you've made it all right with him ? 
Es. Oh, yes ! 

Jack. Then where do I come in ? 
Es. I do not understand. 
Jack. Why, my wife has gone for a divorce. 
Es. Impossible ! Why, I didn't think she meant it. 
Jack. Meant what ? 
Es. Why, she told me she was to take action for a separation. 



28 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Jack. Great heavens ! Did she say that? 

Es. Didn't you know it? 

Jack. No. 

Es. But you just said you did. 

Jack. I only imagined it. She left word that she had gone 
to her mother's, and I went there and, not finding her, 
imagined the worst. 

Es. {laughing). This is dreadful. 

Jack. It is horrible. I'm disgraced forever. The news- 
papers will get it and follow it up with an account of how it all 
happened, then rehash it and I'll be the laughing-stock of the 
whole city. (Es. laughs.) What are you laughing at ? 

Es. I can't help it ; you look so funny. Never mind, Jack, 
I'll fix it all right for you. I know every reporter in the city 
who would be likely to work on a case like this. In my pro- 
fessional duties I have naturally made the acquaintance of them 
all. Now, I will hunt them up to-night and nip the affair 
right in the bud. 

Enter Jack 2D. 

Jack. And you will do this ? {Business.) 
Es. For the sake of old times — yes. 

{Leans head on his shoulder ; exit Jack 2D.) 

Enter Cof., c. d. 

CoF. Mr. Jack Cracker. 
>CK. I ^j.^^^ heavens ! 

Jack. More trouble — I knew it. 

Es. If he sees me he will be furious. He is horribly 
jealous for my calling you Redmond. 

Jack. Hush ! You've got to hide. 

Es. But if I am discovered ; suppose your wife returns ? 

Jack. You'll be no worse off than me. We're both in the 
same boat. \_Exit Es. Jack seated writing. 

Enter Jack 2D, c. d. in a rage. , 

Jack 2D. Well, sir ! 

Jack. Why, my dear Cracker, I am delighted. Sit down. 
Smoke ? 

{Offers cigar. Jack 2D knocks it front his hand.) 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 2() 

Jack 2D. You double-faced villain ! I have a half mind 
to kill you on the spot. 

Jack. What ! 

Jack 2D. Where is Miss Clayton ? 

Jack. 1 haven't the slightest idea. 

Jack 2D. You lie ! 

Jack. Thanks. That's a strong word. 

Jack 2D. She was here in this room not a moment ago. 

Jack. Really, that's funny; where was I? 

Jack 2D. Seated on that sofa with your face a d d sight 

nearer hers than it had any right to be, sir ! 

Jack. You don't say ! So you saw us, eh ? 

Jack 2D. I did, and demand satisfaction. 

Jack. Good; you'll get it. (Laughs.) 

Jack 2D. Your levity, sir, is ill-timed. 

Jack. Oh, no, dear boy, this is my time to laugh. Why, 
do you know. Cracker, this house will become famous as the 
fountain-head of mistaken identities? 

Jack 2D. There is no mistake this time, sir ! 

Jack. No ? Well, that's where we differ. Ha — ha — ha ! 
So you thought the lady was your promised bride, eh ? 

Jack 2D. I know it, sir ! 

Jack. You are mistaken. Cracker; that was my daughter. 

Jack 2D. What ! Do you think I cannot recognize Miss 
Clayton when I see her ? 

Jack. You most certainly cannot if you say that was she. 

Jack 2D. And I repeat, you lie, sir ! 

Jack. And I repeat, that's a strong word. 

Jack 2D. And I demand satisfaction. 

Jack. And, as I said before, you'll get it. What is.it, 
swords, pistols or dynamite ? 

Jack 2D. You shall hear from me, sir ! 

Jack. That's right, drop me a line. 

Jack 2D. You are a coward, sir ! 

Jack. Thanks ! Call again. (Exif Jack 2D, c. d.) By 
Jove, here's a nice mess. He'll have a bullet or a sword 
through me before sunrise. 

Enter Es., L. i E. 

Es. Has he gone ? 

Jack, Yes, and the devil take him, say I, 

Es. Isn't that lovely? 



30 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Jack. Very — considering the fact that I'm as good as a 
dead man. 

Es. What do you mean ? 

Jack. He saw us with your head on my shoulder. 

Es. No ! 

Jack. Yes, and he has challenged me to mortal combat. 

Es. Oh, dreadful ! What shall I do ? This will separate 
us forever. {Weeps.') 

Jack. There — don't cry. I'm so nervous now that I don't 
know where I'm at. I told him you were my daughter. 

Es. What ! 

Jack. I had to tell him something ; but he knew better. 

Es. Of course he did. 

Jack {aside). I'd give a thousand dollars to get back where 
I was two hours ago. {To Es.) Don't cry ! 

Es. I guess you'd cry, were you in my place. 

Jack. Well, I don't think my own position is a great im- 
provement over your own. By the jumping horn spoon ! An 
idea ! 

Es. Ah ! 

Jack. That hat ! {Points to Es.'s hat.) 

Es. Hat ? 

Jack. That jacket. {Points to her jacket.) 

Es. Jacket ? 

Jack. My wife's got one just like them. 

Es. Well— well ? 

Jack. Well, you're saved, that's all. 

Es. But how? 

Jack. Oh, I don't know yet. I've got to work it out. 
But you let me alone. I've got as much at stake as you and I'm 
desperate. 

Es. Yes, yes. 

Jack. And desperate diseases require desperate remedies. 

Es. So they do. You're a genius if you smooth this over. 

Jack. The next time you meet him he'll greet you willi 
open arms. 

Es. Glorious ! Do you think so ? 

Jack. I know it. Now you get away from here while the 
coast is clear, and if you run across my wife, just explain that 
letter and send her home, will you ? 

Es. I'll do anything; only satisfy Jack. 

Jack. I'll fix him, never fear. 

Es. And there won't be a duel? I hate duels, 



A PAIR OF CRACKLER-JACKS 3* 

Jack. So do I. I'll make that all right, and I hate to send 
you away, but 

CoF. {outside). Mars Jack ! 

Jack. Well? . r . ii 

CoF. Lady and gent coming up de tront walK. 

Jack. Who is it ? 

CoF. Looks like Mrs. Cracker, sir. 

Es. (screaming). I am lost. What shall I do ? 

Jack. Do? Be a woman and don't act like a fool. Go 
into that room. 

Es. But if I am discovered ? 

Jack. Then you will be found out. Coffee ! 

CoF. Yaas. 

Tack. Who is the man ? 

CoF. Looks like de slap Bang chap what was here a while 

ago, Mars Jack. -n . n 

Jack. Oh, ho, I see she comes under escort, eh ? Estelle, 

you stay right here. 

Es. No, no, I dare not. . 

Jack You're right! Quick. They're coming, {hxit 
Es LIE. Enter Bang and Mrs. C, c. d.) Bessie ! 

Mrs. C. Stop, sir ! The right to utter that name is no 
longer yours, sir. 

Bang. No longer yours, sir. 

Jack (to Bang). What the devil have you got to do with it t 

Mrs. C. As my spiritual adviser, he has everything to do 

with it. , • J -.u 

Bang. As her spiritual adviser I have everything to do with 

it, Mr. Redmond. . 

Mrs. C. I was drifting on an unknown sea of despair and 
doubt. You came like a harbor of refuge. 

Bang. Ah, beautiful sentiment, I will preserve it for me 
new drama. (^Writes in book.) '' He came like a harbor of 
refuge." 

Jack. Harbor of fiddlesticks. Why, this fellow is 

Mrs. C. The Rev. Mr. Bang, whom you were pleased to 
make known to me and to whom I shall chng in this my hour 
of trouble. {Embraces Bk^o.) 

Bang. And to whom she will cling in this her hour of 
trouble, Mr. Redmond. 

Jack. Oh, this is the last straw. Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! {^lo 
Bang.) The Little Minister, I suppose. 

Bang. Oh, not so little. 



32 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Jack (aside). If I thought I could I'd kick him into the 
street. No, I'll explain everything to Bessie, and she'll order 
him from the house. Now, dearest 

Mrs. C. Sir ! 

Bang. Sir ! 

Jack. This is all a joke. 

Mrs. C. Ah, would that it were. 

Bang (aside). Not 

Jack. That letter wasn't mine. 

Mrs. C. Wretched man, I know it was yours. 

Bang. Unhappy wretch, we knew it was thine ! 

Jack. I said it wasn't mine. 

Mrs. C. Your sinful fabrications but add to your lost man- 
hood. 

Bang. Thy sinful falsifications but add to the depths of thy 
degradation. Repent, unhappy mortal; repent, ere it is too 
late. 

Jack. Say, if you utter another d d word, I'll brain 

you on the spot. 

Bang (aside). Shades of Shakespeare ! What a situation 
for me new drama. ( Writes.) '* I'll brain you on the head." 

(Mrs. C. attempts to enter room with Es.) 

Jack. Stop ! What would you do ? 

Mrs. C. Enter my own apartments, sir ! 

Bang. Stand aside, sir ! 

Jack {striking hifn with cane). You keep quiet. Bessie, 
you cannot go in there. 

Mrs. C. I believe, sir, these are my rooms. 

Jack. They were, but the moment you took the first step 
toward a divorce, they became mine. 

Mrs. C. Divorce? 

Jack. That's what I said. 

Mrs. C. And would you have me? 

Jack. I don't care a rap what you do ; I'm desperate. You 
won't listen to me and that settles it. These apartments are 
mine. There's the back parlor. Take your little minister in 
there, and be hanged. 

Mrs. C. You'll be sorry for this, Jack Cracker ! 

Jack. I'll take my chances on your having as much to be 
sorry for as me. 

Bang. You are a lost man. 

Jack. And you'll be a dead man if you don't keep quiet. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 33 

Mrs. C. Wasn't that letter really yours? 

Jack. Never mind ! {Aside.') I've got to get Miss Clay- 
ton away from here somehow. [Speaks.) These are my 
apartments ! I wish to be alone. 

Mrs. C. Oh, Jack ! 

Bang. Courage, my child, courage. 

\_Exeunt Bang and Mrs. C, c. d. to hack parlor. 

Jack. By Jove, now I've got to work quick. The other 
Cracker's liable to show up at any minute. 

Enter Es., L. i e. 

Es. Have they gone ? 

Jack. Quiet ! Don't speak above a whisper. {Pomts ; 
goes to Mrs. C.'s room^ l. i e.) Great Scott ! She's packed 
them up. 

Es. What ? 

Jack. The hat and jacket. 

Es. What hat and jacket ? 

Jack. My wife's. I have it. I'll use yours. 

Es. Mine ? 

Jack. Why, of course. It will only be a matter of a few 
minutes' longer stay for you, 

Es. But what do you want with them ? 

Jack. I want to save my life, and your happiness. 

Es. I don't understand. 

Jack. No, of course not. But you will. {Rings.) Come, 
off with them. (Es. takes off hat and jacket. Exits, l. i e. 
Enter Cof., r. i e.) Send up the cook. {ExitQoY., r. i e.) 
Now, then, to play my last card. 

Enter Flo., r. i e. 

Flo. Did you ring ? 

Jack. Katy, come here ! 

Flo. Oh, you vas goin' to dip me oud. 

Jack. Keep quiet ! {Drags her to sofa.) Now, Katy, I 
want you to save my life. 

Flo. Vat, vas you sick ? 

Jack. No, but I'm in a devil of a scrape. 

Flo. Oh, I see, you vas having a scrap mit der dyvel. 

Jack. That's it ; and I want you to get me out. 

Flo. What, me beat der dyvel? Oh, no, dot beats even 
der Dutch. 

Jack {showing bill). Do you see that ? 



34 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Flo. Mine gracious ! Five tollars. • 

Jack. Yes. Katy, that's yours. {Gives money.) 

Flo. Mine ! Mine ! 

Jack. On conditions. 

Flo. And who vas he ? 

Jack. That you consent to be my daughter for five minutes. 

Flo. Your daughter? 

Jack. That's the game. 

Flo. Not your nieces? 

Jack. My daughter. 

Flo. Vat, vas dis a shoke? 

Jack. That's it, — a joke on a friend of mine. You put on 
this hat and jacket; he'll come in, and I will introduce you as 
ray daughter. Then you take off the hat and jacket, throw 
them into that room (points)^ and go about your business. 

Flo. And is dot all ? 

Jack. That's all. 

Flo. And dis vas mine ? 

Jack. That's yours. 

Flo. Five dollars for being your little adoption daughter 
for five minutes. Say, Mr. Crackers ? 

Jack. Well? 

Flo. You wouldn't like to have me for your liddle adoption 
gal all der dimes, vould you ? 

Jack. Hardly! {Rings. Enter Cof., r. i e.) Coffee, 
not a word of this. {Hands bill.) You understand? 

Cof. I'll be as dumb as a can ob oysters. 

Jack. Go up to the flat above. Inform Mr. Cracker that 
Miss Clayton wishes to see him in my apartments at once. 
{Exit Cof., c. d.) Now, Katy, you mustn't mind if I am a 
trifle affectionate. 

Flo. Oh, nine, I von't mind, only blease don'd be a 
kissin' bugs. 

Enter Jack 2D. Jack embraces Flo. 

Jack 2D. Hah ! Villain ! Again ! {Draws revolver.) 
Now say your prayers, both of you. 

Jack. Hold on, Cracker ! Don't shoot ! First let me in- 
troduce you to my daughter. Katy, my darling, allow me to 
present my dear friend, Mr. Jack Cracker. 

Flo. Vat ! Anoder Cracker- Jack ! Veil, dot vas funny. 

Jack 2D. Charmed to know you, Miss Cracker. Your face 
seems familiar. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 35 

Jack. Yes, you met her when you first came in. 

Jack 2D. But you gave me to understand that she was 

Jack. My daughter. 
Jack 2D. No, sir ! Your servant. 
Jack. There you go again. More mistaken identities. 
Jack 2D. But she speaks with a foreign accent ! 
Jack. Yes, she's Dutch. I adopted her. Correct form, 
just now, don't yer know. 

Jack 2D. I never was more astonished. 

Jack. How about Miss Clayton now, eh, Cracker ? 

Jack 2D. Ha, ha, capital joke. 

Jack. With the laugh on you this time. 

{Business, Flo. removes hat and jacket and throws them by 
mistake into the room occupied by Mrs. C. ««^Bang. 
Mrs. C. enters with hat and jacket and goes to room in 
which Es. is concealed. Bang accompanies Mrs. C. The 
ladies scream. Men drink.) 

Jack 2D. What's that ? 
Jack. What's what? 

Jack 2D. A cry. It sounded like a female in distress. 
Jack. Compose yourself, my dear Cracker ; it's only my 
servant, — she has fits. 

Enter Bang, pushing large Morris chair, upon which are 
Mrs. C. and Es. in a swoon. 

Jack 2D. Ha, scoundrel ! Now what have you to say ? 

Jack. I say the jig's up. Let's go into the back parlor and 
have it out. 

Jack 2d. A gay deceiver ! 

Jack. I can explain all. {Drinks.) 

Jack 2D. You shall have that pleasure, sir, after I have 
filled you full of bullets. 

Jack. I prefer filling up on something else. {Brinks.) 

Jack 2D {presenting pistols). Choose ! 

Jack. I've no choice in the matter. I've gone the limit. 

Jack 2D. I will kill you at the first shot. 

Jack. That's right, Cracker, polish me off quick. {Kisses 
Mrs. C.) Good-bye, Bessie ! 

Jack 2D. Come ! 

Jack. Like a lamb to the slaughter. {Enter Cof.) Cof- 
fee, stand guard ! See that we are not disturbed. Under no 
conditions allow the ladies to enter. \_Exit, 



36 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

CoF. I see. A quiet little game. • 

Enter ]ack from back parlor kicking Bang. 

Jack. Now I shall die happy ! 

{During above ^ Flo. works over ladies.) 

Flo. My, but dey vas habing a nice long sleebs togedder. 
I vonder vas dey making believes. 

(Es. sits up, followed by Mrs. C.) 

Es. Ah! Where was I? Oh! 

Mrs. C. Wretched woman, you have wrecked my home 
and my happiness. [Weeps.') 

Es. The dear little thing. What shall I say ? 

Jack 2D (outside). So — back to back. Walk five paces — 
turn and fire. 

Es. Why, what was that ? 

Mrs. C. Coffee, who is in that room? 

CoF. Only de man come to measure for de new carpet, 
Mad jam. 

Es. Mrs. Cracker, this is all a cruel mistake. 

Mrs. C. If it only were. 

Es. Read that ! {Passes clippitig.) 

Mrs. C. Our anniversary. And we were to have been so 
happy ! 

Es. And you shall be happy, if you will but listen and be- 
lieve me. 

Jack {outside). I object, sir ! I prefer the old-fashioned 
method of dropping the handkerchief. 

Mrs. C. Why, that is Jack's voice. 

CoF. Oh, no, Madjam, dat ain't Mars Jack, dat's de carpet 
man; just lost his handkerchief, dat's all. 

Es. Mrs. Cracker, listen ! The gentleman you saw with 
me in this room was Mr. Jack Cracker. 

Mrs. C. Alas ! My husband. 

Es. But you did not recognize him as such. 

Mrs. C. Oh, you mean the strange gentleman ; your 
lawyer. 

Es. Exactly. They are both of the same name. The un- 
fortunate letter you read was for him. 

Mrs. C. I see it all — and Jack got it. You saw this 
notice 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 37 

Es. And thought my Jack was deceiving me. 
Mrs. C. Oh, horrible. Jack will never forgive me. 
Es. Oh, yes, he will ; don't you fear. 

(During the above Jack comes to door back, whispers to 
CoF., passes him handkerchief. Cof. drops same. Two 
shots heard.) 

Cof. Don't be scared, Madjam, it's only Mars Jack 
shootin' cats in de back yard. 

Mrs. C. You are deceiving me. 

Cof. 'Deed, Madjam, I never deceived nobody, indeed I 
didn't. 

Mrs. C. Why do you stand there? 

Cof. 'Cause he don't wish to be disturbed, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. The upholsterer ? 

Cof. Oh, no, he's gone long ago. De actor chap's in dere 
now writin' a poem ! 

Mrs. C. The Rev. Mr. Bang ? 

Cof. Yes, Madjam. De little preacher. 

Es. Now, you know all. 

Mrs. C. Not yet ! How came you in that room ? 

Es. I called to see you, your husband was here, and when 
he saw you coming he became frightened and forced me in 
there. 

(Jack repeats handkerchief business. Shots heard as before. 
Ladies scream.") 

Mrs. C. Again ! 

Es. I see it all. They are fighting a duel. 

Mrs. C. A duel? 

Es. Yes, your husband told me that Jack had challenged 
him to mortal combat. 

Mrs. C. Dreadful ! Horrible ! Coffee, stand back ! 

Cof. Berry sorry, ladies, but you can't go in. De free list 
am entirely suspended. 

{Rapid firing heard. Ladies scream.) 

Enter Jack and Jack 2D arm in arm. They bow to each 
other and shake hands. 

Jack. Are you satisfied ? 

Jack 2D. Perfectly. You are a dead shot. 



38 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Jack. And you shoot like a Boer. • 

Mrs. C. I y^r^^^ ^^^g ^j^.g ^^^^^^ p 

Jack 2D. It means, ladies, that we have just settled a little 

affair of honor. 

Jack. To our mutual satisfaction. 

Mrs. C. ) . , V 

P V And so have we. 



Jack 2D.} "'hat, everything? 
!■ Everything. 



Mrs. C. 
Es. 

Jack 2D. Not yet. What were you doing in that room ? 

Es. Ask Mrs. Cracker. 

Mrs. C. If I am satisfied, Mr. Cracker, surely you 
should be. 

Jack 2D. I would hardly be a gentleman, were I not. 

Mrs. C. And you, Jack ? 

Jack. Well, if you've got this infernal mess straightened 
out I'm the happiest fellow alive. 

E?iter Flo., wcaritig Es.'s hat and jacket. 

Mrs. C. Katy, what does this mean ? 

Jack. Just a little masquerading, my dear ; that's all. 

Flo. Oh, no, Matam Crackers, dis vas no masqueradings. 
Dis means I vas your leedle adoptions gals. 

Mrs. C. What ? 

Jack 2D. Yes, Mrs. Cracker. She is quite right. Your 
husband has introduced me to your daughter, and I assure you 
she is a most charming girl. 

Mrs. C. My daughter ! 

Flo. {throwing arms about Jack's neck). Papa Crackers, 
von't you buy you liddle adoption gals some automobubbles ? 

(Mrs. C. faints. Es. and Jack 2D on sofa laughing. Jack 
crushed with Flo.'s arms about his neck.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT in 

SCENE.— T/i£ same. Evening, 

(Mrs. C, Jack and Cof. discovered. Jack packing grip. 
COF. folding clothes and passitig to him. Mrs. C. sew- 
ing. Cof. passes coat.') 

Jack. And I say that settles it ! 

{Throws coat into grip violently.) 

Mrs. C. As you please, Jack Cracker; but remember this 
is all your own doing ; you have proclaimed this girl as your 
own daughter and your daughter she shall be. 

(Cof. passes trousers.) 

Jack. You talk like a fool. 

Mrs. C. And you have acted like one, and I only hope it 
will teach you to be more careful in future. 

Jack. But it was only a joke. 

Mrs. C. Which you dare not explain. 

Jack. No explanation is required. 

Mrs. C. I'm not asking any. You have acknowledged the 
adoption of the girl. Well and good ; let the matter rest right 
there. I am perfectly satisfied. 

Jack. But I am not, Mrs. Cracker. I am not satisfied to 
have a bologna guzzling Dutch bog trotter under my feet, and, 
what's more, I won't ! 

Mrs. C. Very well, then you may go. 

Jack {throwing trousers into grip). And that settles it. 

Mrs. C. I really cannot see your objections. She is a 
most charming young person. 

Jack. You are an idiot if you say so. 

Mrs. C. Oh, thank you ; you are making yourself most 
agreeable on your wedding anniversary. 

Jack. Well, if it hadn't been for your crazy notions, we 
could have carried out our plans and had a nice social evening. 

Mrs. C. Pray do not disturb yourself, Mr. Cracker; my 
plans will all be carried out to the letter, I assure you. 

Jack. What ! You don't mean 

39 



40 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Mrs. C. But I do mean to do exactly as I had planned, 
with the possible exception of yourself; so, sir, if you will 
kindly hurry your preparations for departure, I shall be 
pleased, as it is nearly time for my guests to arrive. 

Jack. Your guests ! Are you losing your senses? Didn't 
you inform them that you had given it all up ? 

Mrs. C. I did, before I knew what I know now. I have 
issued fresh invitations. 

Jack. To whom ? 

Mrs. C. To my dear friends Miss Clayton, Mr. Jack 
Cracker and Mr. Bang. 

Jack. Your dear friend Miss Clayton ? Do yo*u know who 
she is ? 

(COF. passes hat.) 

Mrs. C. I know who she was — an old friend of yours; 
and your friends should be mine. 

{Outside ring. Exit Cof., c. d.) 

Jack. She is an actress. 

Mrs. C. I understand. She is a student of the great 
dramatic masters. Mr. Bang informs me that she is very 
clever in her chosen profession. 

Jack. Well, I'll be — - 

(^Throws hat in grip, Jumps in atid stamps on it.) 
Enter Cof., c. d. 
Cof. Miss Clayton ! Mr. Bung ! 

Enter Es ^//^ Bang, c. d. 

Mrs. C. So good of you to come early. (Cof. takes hats 
and wraps.) Sit down. Mr. Cracker will be down presently. 
Oh, don't mind my husband. His house has ordered him on 
a business trip West, and he is trying to catch the 9 : 23 Ex- 
press. Isn't it horrid ? At first he really threatened to resign 
his position, but, of course, he thought better of that, and now 
he is hurrying his departure and so cross that you really must 
excuse him, and I'm sure one cannot blame him. 

Es. Blame him ! Why, it is positively an outrageous shame. 

Bang. Outrageous ! It is monstrous. 

(Jack glares at Bang a?id secures cane.) 



A PAIR OF CRACK.ER-JACK.S 4I 

Mrs. C. And so you succeeded in stealing a night off? 

Es. Yes, my understudy has been very anxious to play my 
part, and I couldn't allow this delightful opportunity to slip, 
so I feigned to be seriously indisposed, was driveu to my hotel, 
and fortunately, Mr. Bang, being out of the cast to-night, 
volunteered to bring me over. 

Mrs. C. How good of him ! 

Bang ( gazing at Jack). Poor unfortunate man — I do pity 
him. 

Mrs. C. Yes, it is a most annoying occurrence. Why, do 
you know he hasn't spoken to me all the evening. I am in 
hopes he will thaw before he goes. 

(CoF. passes collars.) 

Bang. Are we to have the pleasure of your charming 
daughter's company this evening, Mrs. Cracker? 

(Jack glares at Bang, throws a lot of collars into grip, and 
Jumps upon them, draggitig CoF. into grip.) 

Mrs. C. Oh, yes, she is dressing. She wears a new gown 
to-night for the first time. You must excuse her tardiness. 
We will call this her informal debut. And so you weren't the 
little minister after all, Mr. Bang. 

Bang. What ! Has yonder fellow without speech dis- 
closed my secret? 

Mrs. C. Oh, no ! He tried to tell me, you know, but I 
wouldn't believe him. Miss Clayton is the guilty party. 

Es. Mr. Bang, it really wouldn't do, you know. 

Bang. And 1 am forgiven ? 

Mrs. C. Oh, yes, there is nothing to forgive. It was Only 
a little practical joking on your part, for which my husband was 
wholly to blame. 

Bang. Ah, you are an angel : 

* Angels, ever beautiful, ever fair. 
Thy home in blue etherial space. 
Forgiving, thy misty form floats on air. 
Take me to thy home in grace." 

One of mine. Would you like to hear the rest ? There are 
only fifty-seven verses. 

Es. Not now, Mr. Bang, wait till a little later. 



42 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Mrs. C. I shall be delighted. Oh, by the way, dM you 
secure the seats for the Saturday matinee ? 

Es. Yes, dear Mrs. Cracker, I have arranged it all. 

Mrs. C. You are very kind. And do you think you could 
coach me during your spare time in town ? I am thinking of 
giving some amateur theatricals. 

Es. Indeed ! I should be only too delighted ; but really, 
coaching is quite out of my line. But Mr. Bang is a most de- 
lightful coach. 

Bang. Yes, I have coached the Plum Pudding Theatricals 
for seven seasons. 

Mrs. C. Really ! I am so glad. Would it inconvenience 
you to come, Mr. Bang, say from two to four in the afternoon 
during the balance of the week ? 

Bang. I shall be only too delighted. Do you know, my 
dear Mrs. Cracker, I have always thought you would make an 
admirable Ophelia. 

Mrs. C. Oh, you flatter me, Mr. Bang. Do you really 
think so ? 

Bang. Yes, the classic contour of thine expressive features, 
the hidden fire of thy beautiful orbs, stamp you at once as a 
living, breathing exponent of the unhappy Dane's unfortunate 
Princess. 

(^Quotes from ^^ Hamlet ^ As he concludes, Jack rushes 
at him.) 

Jack. That's enough; if you're not out of the house in 
thirty seconds, I shall do murder. 

Mrs. C. So, my dear, you've come to your senses ? 
, Jack. And you're gone out of yours. 

Es. Ha, ha, my dear Mr. Cracker, he is only acting. 

Jack. Acting ! Acting ! Well, if that's acting, God help 
the public. 

Bang. This, sir, is an insult to the profession. 

Es. To which he is bound by most tender ties. 

Jack. Ties b^ blowed. All the ties he knows anything 
about are in a railroad track. 

Bang. Ha ! Villain ! This is more than human blood 
can stand. 

{They clinch. Bang runs, jumps over sofa and hides be- 
hind it. Enter Cof. with punch-bowl full of lemo7iade. 
Jack seizes it and standing on sofa pours contents on 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JAGKS 43 

Bang's head. Jack drops boiul, slams down grip cover 
a?id drags it to c. d. Enter Flo., c. d. Exit CoF., 

R. I E.) 

Flo. Why, Uncle Jack, how do you do ? Don't you know 
me ? I am your niece, Flo. Atkins, come to pay you a visit. 

Jack. How long have you been here ? 

Flo. Oh, I just arrived. 

Mrs. C. Now, Flora, you shall not tease him any longer. 
My dear Jack, allow me to introduce your niece, Miss Flo. 
Atkins. 

Jack. What, the Dutch cook ? 

Mrs. C. The new cook no more. 

Flo. I told you I'd surprise you, uncle. 

Jack. You've done it all right. What do you mean by 
such actions ? 

Flo. Why, you see, uncle, I belong to the Woodville Dra- 
matic Association, and they're going to put on a new play, 
and I'm cast for a Dutch servant girl, and when you sent for 
me to come here I thought 'twas mean to lose my rehearsals, 
so I thought I'd try my part on you and see how it worked. 

Jack {to Mrs. C.). And you knew this all the time? 

Mrs. C. Oh, no, my dear, not until you adopted her. 
Then she came and told me all about it, and I thought it about 
time for me to have a little fun. 

Jack. Where's Bang ? I want to apologize. {Enter Bang, 
with bits of lemon stickiiig to his hair.) Jimmie, my boy, I 
was a brute, forgive me. 

Bang. Don't mention it, old chap; I only blame you for 
wasting so much of the needful. Was there a stick in it ? 

Jack. I'm afraid there was. Bang. 

(Mrs. C. rings.) 

Bang. " 'Tis true, 'tis pity, pity 'tis, 'tis true." '< As You 
Like it," Third Act, Second Scene. Jack, me boy, I've taken 
many a bath in rose water, but that's me first experience with 
lemonade. 

Enter Cof., r. i e. Exit Flo., c. d. 

Mrs. C. Coffee, remove Mr. Cracker's grip. 
Jack. Yes, Coffee, I've postponed my departure. 

(Cof. starts to exit, c. d.) 



44 A fAlR OF CRACK.ER-JACKS 

Mrs. C. And, Coffee • 

CoF. Yes, Madjam. 

Mrs. C. Mix another bowl of lemonade. 

Bang. And, Coffee 

CoF. Yes, Mr. Bung. 

Bang. Bang ! 

CoF. {loudly). Bang ! 

{Heavy noise outside. Exit Cop., c. d.) 

Jack. What's that devilish racket ? 

Enter Flo., c. d. 

Flo. Der new cook. She vas fall down der cellar stairs. 

Mrs. C. And now for an evening of pleasure. I am really 
glad this has happened, for it has really taught me a lesson. 

Es. Then you've really decided that the profession contains 
ladies 

Bang {bowing low). And gentlemen. 

Enter Cof., c. d. 
CoF. Mr. Jack Cracker. 

Enter Jack 2D, c. d. 

Jack. Cracker, you're just in time. Allow me to present 
my niece, Miss Atkins. 

Jack 2D. Delighted to meet you. Miss Atkins. Why, by 
Jove, she bears a striking resemblance to your daughter. 

Jack. So I've been told. 

Flo. You vas means his leedle adoption daughter, Mr. 
Cracker- Jack. 

Jack 2d. I see it all ! You little rogue ! You've been 
masquerading. 

Flo. Oh, no, dis vas no masqueradings. 

Es. Mrs. Cracker, won't you sing for me again? I 

do so want Jack to hear it. 

Jack. What, me? Why, I've heard it till I'm dead — in 
love with it. 

Es. Sir ! I referred to this gentleman. {Enter Cof., with 
punch-bowl. Specialties. At close, clock strikes eleven.) Gra- 
cious, so late ! I really must go. 

Mrs. C. We have enjoyed your company so much ; and 
yours also, Mr. Bang. You will come again — promise me. 

Es. If possible, yes. 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 45 

Bang. I shall come to-morrow to coach for the amateur 

theatricals. , • i r u 

Mrs. C. Oh, Mr. Bang, that was only a joke for my hus- 
band's benefit. , . , r .1. 
Tack. I knew it! And how about the tickets for the 

matinee? 

Es. Why, I have secured them. 

Mrs. C. Never fear, Miss Clayton, I shall be there. 

Jack. Great Scott ! What next? 

(^General leave-taking.') 

Bang. Good-night, Ophelia. (Business.) *'Ah, see, she 
lays her cheek upon her hand. Would that I were a glove 
upon that hand that I might kiss that cheek." " Romeo and 
Juliet," Act Two, Scene Five. 

Jack. Bang, you're quite a tragedy man. Have a farewell 

nip. , ,. . 

Bang. No, enough, me boy; I've gone the hmit. 

Jack 2D. Good-night. I hope the fact that I am the unfor- 
tunate possessor of a name will not deprive us from meetmg 
often. 

Jack. Not at all, my boy; run in any time. If you can 
talk as well as you can shoot, we shall get on famously. 

Enter Cof., c. d., ivith letter. 

CoF. An important letter for Mr. Jack Cracker. Special 
delivery. I signed de deff warrant. 

Jack {to Jack 2d). Do you recognize the handwriting ? 

Jack 2D {aside). By Jove, my tailor. {Passes letter to 
Jack.) No ! 

Jack {comparing letter with the one on table; aside). I 
thought so. Now here's where I get even with him. {To 
Jack 2D.) Then you are satisfied that the letter does not be- 
long to you ? 

Jack 2D. That depends. I can tell better after reading it, 
don't you know. 

Es. How very funny ! Ah, I have it, an idea. 

All. Glorious ! Out with it. 

Es. Why, simply draw lots. 

Jack 2D. Absurd ! Why, the letter may be mine. 

Jack. Preposterous ! I am satisfied the letter belongs to 
me. 



4^ A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Bang. Ah, in that case it is — well, it is yours. 
Mrs. C. Happy thought. Idea number two. 
All. Bravo ! 

Bang. Speak ! Fair one, disclose thy hidden secret. 
Jack. Now, Bang, don't get flowery. 

Mrs. C. I will read the letter aloud, and the owner, of 
course, will at once claim it. 

All {applauding). Bravo ! Happy thought ! Etc. 

(Jack 2D objects ; business. ) 

Mrs. C. (reading letter). ''Mr. Jack Cracker. Sir:" 
{Speaks. ) My, it begins just like the other one ; let some one 
else read it. {Reads.) " Your bill at this establishment, 
amounting to ^328.30, has been placed in the hands of Fogg & 
Bogg for collection. An early settlement will save lawyers' 
fees, etc., etc. Yours truly, Cut & Slash, tailors. P. S. If 
the company you now dazzle by the immaculate tone of your 
apparel were aware of the fact that its cost was included in the 
above named amount, we imagine the effect would be consid- 
erably lessened." {Laughter.) 

Jack. Cracker, you're welcome to it. 

Jack 2D. And so are you. {Angrily.) 

Jack {imitating Jack 2d; looking at letter on desk). Ah, 
here is one from my tailor. I'd recognize his handwriting 
among a thousand. {General laughter.) 

Bang. Cracker, you've gone the limit. Order up a case 
of Extra Dry, and we'll forgive you if Cutem and Slashem 
don't. 

{Note. The three dialogues given below are carried on 
simultaneously .) 

Jack 2D. And I repeat, the letter is not mine. 
Jack. What ! You dare insinuate ? 
Jack 2D. I dare anything, sir, when in the right. 
Jack. The letter is yours by your own confession. 

Jack 2D. And I say you 

Jack. Have a care, Cracker. 

Jack 2D. Are mistaken, sir. 

Jack. Didn't you acknowledge 

Jack 2D. Nothing, sir ! I acknowledged nothing. 
Jack. Well, I'm 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 47 

Jack 2D. Do you imagine for a moment that I would per- 
jure myself for a paltry $328.30 ? 

Jack. You have already done it, sir. 

Jack 2D. And I repeat, you 

Jack. Cracker, be careful 

Jack 2D. Are mistaken, sir. 

{Spoken simultaneously with the above by Bang and Flo.) 

Flo. Mr. Bung, who's your tailor ? 

Bang. I beg pardon. 

Flo. Your tailor, who is he ? 

Bang. I have six — little ones. 

Flo. Do you know, Mr. Bung 

Bang. Bang ! 

Flo. Ah, I forgot. Do you know, Mr. Bang, I think you 
are awfully handsome ? 

Bang. Ah, fair flatterer, say not so, lest you bring flushes 
to 



Flo. But I can't help it, because you really are, Mr. Bung. 

Bang. Bang ! 

Flo. Ah, yes, what a sweet name. 

Bang. Say those sweet words again, maiden fair. 

Flo. Such a name as yours conjures up only the sweets of 
life. 

Bang. Fair damsel, speak not thus lest my heart be riven 
by Cupid's arrow driven straight from the bow of yonder curv- 
ing cherry lips. Ah, nectar ! To sip from thy honeyed depths 
would be a draught compared with which the Elixir of Life 
would be flat and tasteless. 

{Spoken simultatteously with the above by Es. and Mrs. C.) 

Mrs. C. Ha, ha, how very remarkable ! 
Es. What is very remarkable ? 

Mrs, C. Why, that I should again be the first to read a 
letter intended for Mr. Cracker. 
Es. Which Mr. Cracker ? 
Mrs. C. Why yours, of course. 

Es. Mrs. Cracker, you forget 

Mrs. C. In what way, pray? 

Es. You are casting reflections. 

Mrs. C. I was not aware of it. 

Es. It is very evident the letter was intended for 



48 A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 

Mrs. C. Mr. Cracker. 

Es. Exactly ; or your husband. 

Mrs. C. What! My husband ? My Jack? 

Es. There is no other conclusion. 

Mrs. C. Pardon me, Miss Clayton, I 

Es. And pray pardon me, Mrs. Cracker, I 

Mrs. C. Was about to observe 

Es. 1 claim the privilege 

Mrs. C. And 1. also, of being heard. 

(^Curtain; all characters talking and gesticulating violently,^ 



""I '■"■ 



016 102 577 A # 




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